After we had Mercy we went home and went about the business of living with our new destiny and I found that difficult, frankly. We had to deal with our new future, of not bringing home a baby in April and trying to figure out when to try again to bring to pass another tiny one. I had been told by the Perinatologist that I'd be wise to wait AT LEAST 3-6 months at the earliest to start trying for another baby. For one, he said, that emotionally/physically/psychologically it wouldn't be good to get pregnant 2-3 months afterward because then the next baby would be due about the same time next year as this baby was born and no one wants that. (I thought, "Why not? What better way to commemorate our stillborn baby's birthday than with another one!) But I understood where he was coming from. Just didn't agree. And Dr Bean told us to wait a couple months to make sure we were ready in all those ways above before trying again. Which made perfect sense. And although we felt a little like we were minimizing Mercy's life, we knew we wanted another baby and that when we were ready, she'd understand. Which she totally did, I'm absolutely sure of! So when we went in for our two week postpartum checkup and had a few laughs and a few tears with Dr Bean, and I told him we weren't going to make more of our loss or less of it, just that she was to be grieved over but her loss wasn't going to take over our lives and make us miserable forever; he smiled and told us to go ahead and try after my next cycle. Yay!
In the week after the delivery, we were the recipients of much love and kindness. We had meals brought to us by incredible work friends who brought laughs and tears and flowers and comfort food and we felt so blessed! We also had David's mother and sister, Kelly, drop everything and travel from California and Idaho, respectively, to come be with us for a week. They did a good job of providing distraction and shopping to help us cope. Every night they were here David and I took a walk together to talk, cry and clear our minds ....those were amazing moments spent with my best friend and I'll always be grateful for our Mercy Walks!
When the dust settled and it was just the two of us again and work and the mundane of life, we did our best to get back to normal. I noticed I was spending quite a bit of time sleeping or cuddled under the covers for way too long and one day had the realization that I was probably depressed! Classic symptoms, although I wasn't feeling totally down. Then one day at work a friend showed me a crocheted owl hat she made and my brain kicked into high gear again!
I spent November through about January totally engrossed in my new hobby....and whipped up about 40 animal hats for nieces/nephews etc. It was such great therapy and pulled me out of my funk! And all throughout we worked on having another baby :) By March, we got the great news that we were expecting again, and were due on November 14th. Such a great feeling but not without loads of trepidation!
HERE WE GO.....AGAIN!!
We were ecstatic to be pregnant again and hoped and prayed that everything would go well. At about 5 weeks, I felt some sharp pain in my right side and of course my mind went straight to "ectopic pregnancy"! (It's not really the most easygoing business to be a pregnant NURSE as well as having our history of losing a later pregnancy, that, according to what I knew then, seemed without cause. I found out just before I delivered our second baby that I had lost Mercy because her placenta had attached to the septum in my heart-shaped uterus, which is thinner muscle and doesn't provide enough blood supply, which is why the pregnancy terminated. It was slightly comforting to know a cause, although didn't really minimize the heartache of losing her. Anyway......let's just say I may stress out at times....) I called the office and was told they don't really do anything until about 6 weeks of pregnancy so I made an appointment for an ultrasound with my doctor for the next week where he told me he couldn't see anything alarming on the right side but saw something on the left so sent me to the hospital where they have better equipment. Our fears were laid to rest when the tech at the hospital found everything to be normal and even spent about half an hour ultra sounding our little "fetal pole" until he was able to find a heartbeat (97 beats per minute, which is just where it should be at that stage...he said the heart had probably started beating in the last day or so! How cool is that to be able to detect a brand spanking new heart beat that will beat beautifully for a whole lifetime!?! Incredible.) My doctor wanted to chat with me after talking to the tech and I could hear in his voice that he was just as relieved as David and I at the good news. We were on our way!
