Here goes!

Here I am! I've put off creating a blog because I've been waiting for some "perfect" timing. You know, when I have the proper amount of time to devote to make the site stunning, when I have something visionary to write about, when I have downloaded the best picture of myself on my PC....the list is endless. But then tonight, I was ensconced in my latest addiction (more on that later) and felt the urge, the absolute compelling urge to write....and so here it goes!
So, I'm watching Dawson's Creek, which is, in fact, taken over every second of my spare time lately. I'm to the point in the final season that I've been holding my breath for since part-way through the second season when I realized that Joey and Pacey belong together....maybe that's just because I WANT them to be together because he's who I would pick for myself...hmmmm. Well, whatever reason, I'm totally getting my wish, and it's making my night, when all of a sudden (ok, it's after Eddie returns from California) the crazy girl BREAKS UP WITH HIM!!! Stupid Joey! She just tells him that even when everything is going perfectly for them, which it currently is, that they aren't meant to be together (the fact that Eddie is back is no small coincidence, of that I'm positive...) and that it's over. And I'm clutching my chest and holding my breath because it's killing me inside! Yelling at the tv (quietly, of course, I'm a basement tenant!) and cursing that girl for losing her grip on everything I thought she should want! And after he walks away (after she let it slip that Eddie is back in the picture and the dawning of the realization that it's not just about him hits Pacey's face), he comes back to give her the dance he "owed" her, since he broke up with her at their prom several years earlier--it's just heartbreaking!
And ok, I'm sure you're laughing at my gooey sentimentality by now, which is fine, whatever, but the point is that it hit me. It hit me so hard---the feeling that a romance or relationship or first love or whatever is over. And it made me remember the absolute emptiness and desolation that has entered my heart and my life when that feeling hits. It plunges into the deepest and most emotionally tender recesses of the heart and is not soon forgotten. I hadn't felt that particular emotion for probably a decade...probably not since I felt it for my first love, or possibly the one I thought I was going to spend my life with. I've had my share of relationships since then, but have never since felt that poignant, raw ache. And maybe the good news is that I won't ever have to feel it for myself again. I hope not. It was definitely surprising to feel it so strongly again tonight. And amazing that a silly WB show could bring it all flooding back to me so intensely--I guess that shows what powerful feelings love and loss truly are!